Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Girls only!

So, last week I sat down to the computer and logged onto the Nordstrom website to purchase myself some new bras.
I thought since we had finally closed on our home refi after 7 months and we don’t have a mortgage this month I would treat myself to some new bras and underwear.
Pretty exciting huh!
Well, I loath buying bras. I really don’t think there is anything I like doing less. I would rather be water boarded, touch a slug, poke my own eye with a hot stick ANYTHING other than buy bras.
You see when I was in middle school I woke up one morning with boobs bigger than most peoples head.
No, seriously they grew overnight.
Pre pregnancy wasn’t such a big deal because my breasts were full at the top AND bottom
I could wear lacy demi bras that always came with matching undies.
So pretty.
When your bra and panties match that surely means you really have it together!
Then came Jameson and my boobs grew again despite not ever getting milk in
and
they never shrank back.
Madalyn comes just 19 months later and you guessed it bigger…, but no milk.
You’d think at the size of these things I’d be able to nurse a small country, but nope not even one baby.
(don’t get me started on breastfeeding and bonding and how I should have tried pumping blah blah blah. Did it. HATED it. My kids are fine, smart, healthy and yes bonded to me.. even though they had the dreaded formula)
Well, after that my nice full top breasts became long empty, full bottom, saggy boobs.
Size you ask???
34H!
That’s right folks bras come in H.
I’ve heard all the comments and been pitied by the Nordstrom sales gal
“oh you poor thing if you were just bigger around we would have a better selection”
“If your breasts were more full on the top these bras would fit better”
Oh thanks, I feel much better.
I love getting fitted too. The sales lady always has me put on a fitting bra which never fits and they always make a face of disgust at the sight of how it fits. I don’t really understand the point of the fitting bra. I also don’t want to think of how many women have put that thing on because it is always just hanging in the fitting room.
They then come back with a pile of bras that they help my put on. It goes something like this:
clasp bra
bend at waist while the poor girl grabs the sides of the bra and tries with all her might to shake my boobs into place.
Stand up
Tuck boob under arm into bra
Tuck boob spilling out the top into bra
Remove bra
Repeat
The colors?
Black and Beige
I mean beige? Who wouldn’t love a beige bra? Ooo lala
Is beige even a color?
The straps?The straps of these bras could tow a truck! Not kidding
Panties to match?
 Nope, I just can’t wear beige panties.
The clasps?
There is 3 and I think it is two inches wide!
The kicker is they cost 88 bucks!
That’s right ladies I get to pay almost 100 clams for a bra that is BEIGE and could double as a tow strap!
In all seriousness though I am thankful for the ladies at Nordstrom and they really do work hard to find me a bra that fits just right and I have just succumbed to the fact that my bra will either be black or beige. And so help me if they stop making the bra that fits me just right I might lose it!
If you ever find yourself in an emergency situation that requires a tow strap; call me I can probably help

Blessed is me…

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