Monday, November 5, 2012

Being Jamesons momma

Jameson Rockefeller Linder
Born June, 26
8 years old

Jameson is one of the kindest most compassionate boys you will meet. When you are happy he will be happy with you. When you are sad he will cry because you are sad When you are angry he will shy away. You will never have to tell him any of your feelings he already knows. He knows all of this just by observing and feeling. When he thinks you need an lift he will leave a note on your pillow.

Jameson never says much and ponders for a long time before he will. He rubs his chin like his dad when he is thinking. When he is afraid or frustrated he cries. When he is happy he laughs from the pits of his belly. He is afraid of change. He is afraid of the unknown. He doesn't think he is good at anything. He says he doesn't have any friends. He is afraid to try anything new for fear of failing.

The first day of school was the worst yet. As soon as we pulled up to the school he grab the seat of my car and burst forward crying saying he was afraid. As we walked into the school he held onto me tighter. I tried to comfort him, but it wasn't working. It was all new. New teacher, new classroom, new school, new routine, new classmates, new principle, new playground. It was all new and he was terrified. As I bent down to comfort him again and to tell him that I had to go cause I needed to get Madalyn to school across town I could see the fear in his face. He begged me to stay, to take him with me and I wanted to so bad. All of this because of fear of the unknown. I spent the rest of the day crying and worrying only to come home and find him doing handstands in his barn boots outside. He said he had a great day and loved his new teacher.

He desperately wants to have a friend. Oh he has friends at school an all the kids really like him, but if you ask him he doesn't have any friends. He wants a best friend that will invite him places like his sister gets and that he can have over for sleep overs. He is too afraid to invite anyone over cause "what if they say no". He wants people to like him so much that he made up a story that he has two horses. This came to light at conferences when his teacher kept referring to his horses that he wrote about in his journal. When we asked about this he said "No one likes me" Heart wrenching as a parent to see that the boy your dreamed about thinks that no one likes him especially when as we see it it isn't true.

Jameson is often questioned why he doesn't play football, basketball, or baseball. He always just says "I don't really like to I like animals instead". This for some reason is hard for people to take. A solid good size boy who doesn't like sports how can that be?! He wouldn't dream of running after a ball that another kid was trying to get or fighting over a rebounded ball (unless it was Madalyn). He would rather you have a turn and he will sit out.

Jameson is good at many things. He is a great speller and has gotten 100% on every spelling test since 1st grade. He can draw wonderful pictures, he writes songs, and can build mansions from Legos. He can tap out a beat after only hearing a few beats of song. He loves animals and he has no trouble climbing over a gate into a field full of 1200 lb cows with his dad or papa moo. He is NOT afraid of animals. He loves the Lord. He is an amazing child carrying around a heavy load for an 8 year old. I find his load very heavy and I am 36 I can't imagine what is going on inside his head. We get glimpses sometimes when he writes in one of his many notebooks.

 As his mom I am struggling to find balance in letting him forge his own way and just forging it for him. I am struggling at letting him be afraid of what's not going to hurt him and rescuing him. I am struggling at not FREAKING OUT about the constant barrage of "why isn't he playing (insert sport). It breaks my heart when he tells me "I really want to win a trophy, but I am not good at anything" or "no one likes me" even if it isn't true. I wish he could just see what we see. I wish he could see how much he has to offer at only 8. I wish he could see that he is good at things an that not only does he have friends he is everybody's friend! He is so genuine, so caring, so much like Jer in many ways and like me in others. He is such an old soul.

One of my dearest clients told me "the best place you can be for your kids is on your knees". That is my plan I am going to forge a prayerful path for him while I let him forge his own way and I am going to keep it together when asked why he isn't playing basketball etc.. for the 16 trillionth time. 

It isn't likely that he will ever make the winning touchdown, or the winning basket at the buzzer, but he will make you feel better when you are sad, he will touch your heart if you can just get a glimpse of his and I will take that over a touchdown any day.

Blessed it me..