Sunday, June 12, 2016

The Best Battle I've Ever Fought

In January Pastor Andy taught about
 leaving Midian 
Midian was a place that Moses lived when he fled Egypt and the Pharoh
Moses lived "the good life" in Midian,
but God came to Moses and sent him back to help the people of Egypt.
He had to leave his good comfortable life to help others.
Not in his power, but in Gods

I know what some of you're thinking
"Oh here she goes getting all churchy"
Stick with me...

If you have:
spent any time with me,
are friends with me on Facebook
read any of my blog posts
you know that I am an over sharer.

I'll even share things that are hard to talk about.
The reason?
I figure someone has to be willing to talk about things so others know they aren't alone.

I've shared publicly about
how i bottle fed both my kids
my abortion
my struggle with postpartum depression
my underwear
and my boob size

I also have no desire to
"play church"
I never want to put on a happy Christian face and pretend we have it all together
because believe me
we are a hot frigging mess most of the time.

Side note:
I believe  that if more Christians started sharing the struggles they have while following God we would have more broken people coming to the cross.
So, please, stop just sharing the sing songy christense.

Back to it..
There has been one thing I've been very guarded with.
One thing that not a lot of people know about.
When Pastor Andy taught about Midian I felt like it was time to
tap it out, but fear has held me back.
Fear still holds as I type.
The words flooded into me and they fill my head
every. single. day.
and everyday I try and push them back out.

So here it is...
Jer and I are just a year over what can only be described as
two years of hell 

The details of this hell don't matter, but let me assure you marriage isn't always
blissful and joy filled.
Sometimes it's
tears, yelling, disappointment, sadness, frustration, brokenness and silence.
Deafening silence.

Two nights stick out most to me of the over 600
The first is when I could no longer hold it all together and keep our secret
 I melted down in the ugly cry kind of way
while part of the wolf pack-our closest friends
hugged, loved and comforted me.
They offered endless support to both of us
in a physical, emotional and prayerful way.

The other.. was the most awful
Our kids lay sound asleep in their beds
Jer sitting outside in his truck
Me slumped over the couch in our pitch black house unable to catch my breath while my heart pounded.
The worst night ever.

I had prayed over and over that our marriage would be healed that we would be healed
We were praying and others were praying for us.
We were battling for our marriage but couldn't get past battling each other.

In a moment of desperation
I prayed fire over my marriage
that if God wasn't going to deliver us from this war that He would
wreck it forever.
I meant it from the depths of my soul
I was tired.
He was tired.

I didn't mean it.
I love Jer a whole big bunch.
I was longing for the days that were so love filled.
The days that he would pick me up and twirl me around kissing me so softly.
The days that butterflies filled my tummy when he rumbled down the driveway.
The days that we knew that together we were unstoppable.

 I now understand how some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers..

So, I did the only thing I knew to do at the urging of my forever friend
I went back to where we started.
Pastor Andy was the man who married us;
I called and he answered.
I sat with him and the sweetest lady, Elsie, from New Life church.
I bawled my face off the super attractive ugly swollen faced cry again and poured out my heart.
I was at a point that I couldn't even get the words out to pray
we weren't going to church much
we were fighting a lot.
fights I never wanted my kids to witness
and yes there were times we didn't even sleep in the same house.

Pastor Andy never told me what we need to do, he never said "how is your walk with The Lord" or any of that other condemning stuff some Christians are so good at saying.
He never even suggested we dig into our bibles and he didn't invite us to his church.

We were barely hanging on and the last thing I could do is read or put on a happy face to try a new church.

He simply offered to pray us through this battle and asked if he could have his prayer team do the same.
Elsie held my hand while I cried.
They both kept in contact with me
and Andy reached out to Jer.

The more they prayed and reached out and
no strings attached the more we
wanted to  get back to church, back to our bibles
back to each other.

Our puzzle was in a million pieces and it seemed impossible that it could ever ever get back to
even close to what it once was.
Slowly, we picked up all of our broken pieces and started to put them back together.
I held some pieces for far too long.
It wasn't easy and it wasn't overnight.

I honestly believe we are stronger today than we ever have been.
We battled hard
at each other and for each other.
We both made mistakes, said and did things we wished we never would have.
Things we can never take back and only offer forgiveness for.

I took my marriage vows seriously
better or worse
sickness  and health

Our marriages are always worth fighting for.
Easy? No!
Worth it? Absolutely.

I'll never forget the day everything changed
for the better.
The day we decided to battle together as a team for our family.

Every battle
Every tear
Every disappointment
Every moment of silence
While so hard was so worth it.
It made us realize
We are better together and together we are unstoppable.

Blessed Is Me...