Thursday, May 14, 2015

I Will Always Wonder Who You Would Have Been..

So much time has passed that I don't even remember the day.
I can only remember the deafening silence as the ultrasound tech rubbed her wand over my belly and the feeling of hot tears rolling down my face as the doctor guided the needle into my swollen belly drawing out 3 tablespoon of amniotic fluid.
Will my baby that I want so much have Trisomy 18?

Then the waiting
Time ticked so slowly
The way my stomach lurched and my heart pounded every single time the phone rang
I worked as a purchasing agent at a manufacturing company and
I was sitting in the accounting office when I got the dreaded call.
Yes, my baby has Trisomy 18

Two choices
1. continue with pregnancy with risk of death to me-which I now believe to be untrue-and the almost guarantee of a funeral for my baby before it's first birthday if born alive.
2. terminate..

We had 2 days to decide.

We chose

This has been heavy on my heart the last couple weeks.
REAL heavy.
It's been in my dreams.
It's been on the radio.
It's been on Facebook.
It's been playing over and over and over in my head.
The continued nudge to write it all out here.
I don't know why?

It's a story that I am no longer ashamed of, no longer carry guilt, no longer feel condemned about.
The reason I no longer carry it as a burden is one fate filled Sunday I sat in Church at Coastline Christian Fellowship where Pastor Michael taught about forgiveness and showed this video about Eliot
a boy born with Trisomy 18.

There is absolutely no way Michael could have known about my own story.
I had only been attending church a few months and it wasn't a story I shared with many because of the burden I felt.
This video is one I sometimes still watch, but this week everytime I close my eyes I see it.

While I no longer feel shame and guilt sometimes I do feel sad.
This last couple weeks I have felt more sad than normal.
Most weeks come and go without another thought about it.

Maybe because of all the Mother's Day talk.
I"m sad that I'm missing a noodle necklace from that baby like I have from The Farm Manager and The Fancy Farm Girl.
Sad because I never got to hold that baby or even know if it was a boy or a girl.
Sad because if given the choice again I would never make the same choice knowing what I know now.
Sad because sometimes momma's just get sad.

I know abortion is a hot topic.
You are either on one side of the fence or the other.
One side is filled with finger waving "you shoulds"
The other side is dark and lonely
I've been on both sides.

I was made to feel like I had no other choice and only days to make a decision.
A decision that would be the final straw in my already failing marriage-yes, I was married before The Farmer,
a decision that would make me feel like I was carrying the weight of the world all alone for

Feelings would burble up and the absolute worst times and there was usually no containing them.

Last Sunday Pastor Andy at New Life talked about how
Good things can come from bad.

While I know that it wasn't in God's plan that I terminate my pregnancy I see  now that some good has come from it.

I know what it feels like to ask for forgiveness and receive it.
That forgiveness has given me back my power to not be ashamed.
I no longer have to keep a deep dark secret.
I feel free to talk about it.
Maybe, my willingness to talk about it can help someone else.

If you're carrying a burden like I was it's ok to lay it down at the feet of Jesus and leave it there.
Leave it for Him to carry.
He loves and cherishes you.

If at this moment you're caught in a decision you're struggling to make
scared and feeling alone.

You aren't alone.
My heart goes out to you and
I'm here for you.

I wish I could go back and have a do over, a mulligan, more time, more research, ask more questions.
I wish I could have for a moment held that tiny life and whispered in his or hers ear
how much they were wanted and loved.

There will be a day when I meet that baby face to face, but until then I will continue to look for the good that came from bad
will freely talk about all of it
so maybe another momma
can release the heavy burden from her heart.

Love and prayers to all the hurting mommas
Blessed is me..

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