Dear Bottle Feeding Momma,

 

I get you.
You are a great mom!

Now, if you’re on social media you may have noticed so many post about
Breast Is Best
Normalize Breast Feeding
Boob hats.
Breastfeeding  sit ins
How women who breastfeed are warriors

Women feeding their babies with blankets on their own head
How is natural and wonderful and amazing and such a bonding experience.

Not for all of us and quite frankly I am sick of seeing the posts about it.
Why?
Because it just exacerbates the mommy wars.
It makes us bottle feeding moms feel just like those breast feeding moms claim to feel.
As moms we put so much pressure on ourselves and we don’t need other moms shoving their breasts in our face.
We don’t.

We are all warriors.

Motherhood makes you a warrior.

Here is how breastfeeding worked out for me.
Horribly.
It was awful and heartbreaking and I hated every single minute of it.
So did my kids.

The Farm Manager cried so much.
Like 4 hours one night in the hospital.
He couldn’t latch on and if by some miracle he did latch on nothing came out.
Nothing.
Keep trying they said.
It’s so important for your baby they told me.
Here use this broken off syringe to attach to your nipple and suction it until it feels like it will rip your skin open both by jagged edges and by suction.
Then drops, but not enough to sustain him for any period of time
We went home.

I kept trying
He kept crying.

I pumped every two hours around the clock without fail.
I took brewers grain. 15 capsules a day.
More advice.
I would pump more.

It would go like this.
Set up pump, get cleaned catch bottles, connect tubes, turn on.
Rrrrr rrrrr rrrrr
The pump would hum
drip drip drip
For 30 minutes.
Less than an ounce.
My body wasn’t doing what came naturally.
I had no milk.
My baby was only weeks old and I already had failed him.

If I was a cow I would be sent to the feedlot.

2 hours later I would do it again.
Meanwhile, I would feed The Farm Manager what I pumped plus 3 oz of formula.
He was hungry ALL THE TIME.
He cried a lot.
I cried a lot.

When Jer would leave for work I would be pumping, when he came home for lunch, when he came home from work.
If he woke up in the middle of the night.
Each time I would pump less than an ounce.
One time I set the bottle of pumped milk with no lid on the counter while I got myself back together I turned
And knocked it right off the counter.
I cried.

Another time I called Jer at work bawling begging him to come home because I couldn’t feed my own baby.

I know I know,
“how could a women with such large breasts have no milk”
Because from the looks of me I could nurse a small country right?
Nope, I can’t.
I can’t even sustain one single baby.
Not for lack of trying.

After two weeks of this I gave up and switched to formula full time.
What a relief!
It changed everything.
My baby cried less once we figured out which formula worked best for him.
Costco brand soy formula.
That's right.

Generic formula!

We could leave the house!
No longer would the whir of the breast pump fill our house for hours a day.

Fast forward a few months.
I was at a candle party.
A room full of moms one of them nursing and my baby was hungry.
I went to feed him a bottle in the kitchen.
Alone.
I was so ashamed.
How could I feed my baby a bottle in plain sight.
These moms would know I failed my child.

Except,
I didn’t fail him.
I didn’t
Jer and I made the decision that best suited OUR family.
A happy full tummied boy
Bottle or not
Things didn’t go much different with The Fancy Farm Girl either other than she knew how to latch on.
No milk though.
She got generic formula too.

Our kids are healthy and no more of a germ factory than any other kid.
They are bonded to me like rubber cement.
Sometimes I feel like they would climb back inside if I would let them!

I don’t think being bottle fed has wrecked them for life and in no way does it mean I failed as a mother.
Believe me when I say you will often feel like you’ve failed them for one reason or another, but bottle feeding doesn’t equal failure.
They may end up in therapy because of the things we make them do like stack wood, scoop poop, pay for their own things, don't let them have cell phones and occasionally hand washing a sink full of dishes, but not because their nourishment came through a rubber nipple.

We mothers can be on the same team!

We can be supportive and realize there is more than one right way to do things
and we can come to a truce! 

I wont shove my kids bottle in your face
 and you wont
shove your breast in mine.

Breast might be best for some and bottles for others, but  think we can all agree that fed babies are best.

Blessed Is Me..

It's My Highlight Reel

I love meme's.

Seriously, whoever invented those is a genius.

So hilarious 

Except one.

There is one I loathe.

It pops up in my news feed sometimes and I hate it everytime.

Wait. What?
Pretend or just share the highlights?

I just share-or overshare- the highlights of my life.

Do people really want to know the real life?

Like the dirt.

Like the hard heavy stuff.

This is what I think some of those posts would read like. 

Some of these are even what my actual real life moments have been in the last two years. 

I'll let you decide which ones are mine and which ones are made up.

Facebook "What's on your mind?"

"I'm worried that there is more month at the end of my money and I'm not sure I will make it to pay day"

Facebook "What's on your mind?"

"My marriage is on the brink of destruction"

Facebook "What's on your mind?"

"I've been sitting here staring at this bottle of pills and things would be so much easier if I just swallowed all of them. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow"

Facebook "What's on your mind?"

"I'm gay and my parents will disown me if I tell them"

Facebook "What's on your mind?"

"I wonder where my husband is. Is he dead in a ditch?"

Facebook "What's on your mind?"
"I laid on my bathroom floor last night drenched in sweat with a dry mouth heart pounding gripped with anxiety. I felt out of control and today I'm exhausted, but my kids need me to care for them."

Facebook "What's on your mind?"

"As the hot water pounded against my skin and my tears wash down the drain I wonder if she thinks about me as much as I think about her."

Facebook "What's on your mind?"

"I drank my way through a 5th of whiskey every day this week because life is too hard to deal with. I don't want to, but I've become an addict."

I mean is this really what people want to read? 

Do they want to see the pictures of what this looks like or do they just want to enjoy the highlights?
Do people care that this is real life enough to reach out to love someone?

Oh and if this is really what people shared then there would be the meme about 

where your dirty laundry goes.

You know. 

Not on Facebook.

Can we all just agree that Facebook, Instagram and wherever else we share the parts of our lives
are the highlights.
The best parts.
The good stuff and just
enjoy it.


Blessed Is Me...

Oh Christmas Tree

I used to be the person that had a perfect Christmas tree

with matching ornaments that were perfectly spaced lights that covered each branch never missing one.
It was delightfully beautiful.

Then we had kids.

Now, I have a tree with no lights at the top, burlap ribbon that's bunched and twisted some closely spaced and some widely spaced.

I have store bought ornaments with our kids names scrolled on the bottom and I have paper puppy ornaments cut from paper and colored as precise as a 4 year old can.

I have wooden ornaments scribbled with marker and gorgeous glass balls with just the right amount of glitter.

I have clusters of three ornaments per branch so heavy they drip to the floor.

I never move a thing.

It was decorated with love by our ever growing kids who just wont slow down.

When decorating day came, the day before Thanksgiving, I came in from work and
 The Fancy Farm Girl couldn't wait to show me
"momma do you love it?"

 I do, I really love it.

It's perfect..

I love how the soft glow fills the quiet of our living room when everyone is still snug in their piles of blankets.

I love looking at the ornaments the kids made and remembering their tiny chubby hands and rubber band arms.

I love how much they love it.

I don't love that these are fleeting moments that will soon be no longer.

I know that the days are coming when I will just have one of my children doing the decorating because they other will be too old and too cool

for silly decorating or ornament making.

He will probably do some of it just because he knows I will want him to.

Soon after that I will be handed back the task of decorating the tree

without the kids.

Then I will have my tree with perfectly spaced ornaments with loads of lights even at the top, but it'll never be like it was when tiny hands filled with love placed decorations in just the right spot.

Those littlest Linders are what make it perfect.

Blessed Is Me...

I Am Martha

Who's Martha?

She's Mary and Lazarus' sister.

Her story can be found

in Luke 10

Of

The Bible 

I've been thinking a lot about her lately and how I am just like her.

Mary is the girl who sits at the feet of Jesus gazing at Him

while Martha busies herself with all the things that need to be prepared for.

I have beautiful friends that are Mary's 

quietly, prayerfully, gracefully gliding through the day.

I picture them with little birds swirling around and baby bunnies following them.

It's magical and beautiful and sometimes I wish I could be like that

but it just isn't 

who I am.

I am a front row sitting, boots on the ground, problem solving by action and talking kind of girl.

Talking, so so much talking.

Usually too much talking.

Clanging, banging and making a lot of noise.

no birds or bunnies because I've scared them all away and not what might be considered magical

When I see a need I try to fill it whether it is through fundraising or delivering a meal or whatever I can do to physically help.

Sometimes even when I don't want to help I can't help myself.

Sometimes it even means my kids and my husband don't get the best of me.

I fail at sitting and prayerfully waiting.

Miserably

Oh, I pray; I do.

When I wake, throughout the day, when something strikes me, when clients sit with me, when I put my kids to bed, when someone asks me to pray,

but I never sit and pray quietly.

I've tried and this is what happens.

Thoughts of what I can do

"should I stop and give someone a hug today"

"I'll bring them dinner"

"What should I wear today"

"I wonder if they know how much I love them"
"I need to call my mom"

"Oh ya I was trying to sit quietly and pray"

Recently this has really been on my heart and I was sharing some other feelings with one of my dearest and she said something profound.

"it's ok to be who God made you to be"

The words knocked the wind right out of me.

God made me a

problem solving

passionate

opinionated
praying

big loving

big hugging

goody baking

farm loving

mother of everyone

He made me a 

Martha

It's ok to be Who God made you to be because you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
It says so in Psalm 139

Blessed Is Me.

Our Excellent Euro Adventure!

Jer and I just returned home from an amazing week in Austria and Germany, hosted by Pottinger, a company that Jer distributes for.

They build rakes, tedders, mowers, loader wagon and all sorts of farm equipment.

It was a week filled with factory and city tours, eating so much, beer, and Agritechnica.

We got to tour a Case tractor plant that can build more than forty tractors a day, two Pottinger plants, the Voestalpine steel company-this was my second favorite tour and they employ 10,000 people-, a city tour in Linz Austria- my number one favorite-, Agritechnica, and a beef farm. 

We missed the beef farm because we were trying to rebook our flights that had been cancelled due to a flight attendant strike which turned into a 2.5 hour on hold and 2 disconnections.
There was also the option of a castle tour and shopping day, but we didn't do that one because it was the day of the farm tour and flight rebooking.

Agritechnica is the worlds largest farm show for machines and equipment.

It was an amazing view of all the machines and some of the products that go into farming.

In three days the show had already had 200,000 visitors with 3 more days to go!

I had no idea how many different types of machines there could be nor the cost.

Did you know you can get a manure sprayer that hold 6000 gallons of manure? No?
Well now you do and so do I!

I loved watching Jer's amazement in the machinery and his knowledge of so many things.
I think at times he knew more about things than the salesmen.

 He worked a little at the show making contact with companies and looking into different machines that could by marketed in our area.

Farming is no joke and these men and women are invested in their craft.
Some of the farmers were third generation and raising up a fourth generation.

We joined 71 other dealers and/or farmers on the trip.

We traveled by double decker bus.

Conversations started like this

"Where are you from?"
"Are you a dealer or a customer?"

Then ensued a conversation about the type of farming or equipment the whats and whys of the operation.

We met people who know people we know.

There were organic farmers and non organic.

I got to sit at dinner twice with a farmer that grows GMO crops.

What and eye opener.
He voiced his frustrations over how people like him are vilified by people who don't have a clear understanding of what they are talking about or what GMO truly means.
The key to these types of conversations is listening and being willing to hear what they have to say.

We chatted with dairy farmers that have 60 cows and with farmers that have 4 dairy's with 4000 cows.

My favorite couple was the Griswalds.

They are dairy farmers in their 70's.

Their crew milks 1200 cows 23 hours a day.

They were the CUTEST and boy can they hike!

We did a lot of walking and many times they led the pack.

Mrs. G was so funny too.. one night at dinner she told us she makes better soup than the restaurant!

I have no doubt about her statement and I bet she wears an apron while she does it.
I wonder if she cooks with lard!?

The food was abundant.

I can't even decide what my favorite meal was, but let me assure you the basket of bread that you get with every meal is perfect.

We ate at one place that offered a traditional Austrian dinner of meats, cheeses, pickled vegetables, beer, wine and schnapps made in house.

All the meat we ate was grown on their own farm that shared the property.

Smoked pig tongue was on the platter and now I wished I would have been brave enough to try it!

Most factories have giant lunch rooms that serve lunch to employees.
A real home cooked hot lunch and the company pays about 50% of the cost.

Their view is that it adds to the value of the company that happy employees make better employees

The beer flowed like water and the water tasted terrible.

Every place serves beer even McDonalds and the factories!

Many places allow a beer at lunch and a few beers after work.

The water came in "gas" and "no gas" or "flat"

Gas is sparkling

No gas or flat is mineral

They don't drink tap water and consider it on the same level as toilet water.
All drinks come in glass bottles

The coffee came in perfect little cups on saucers with tiny spoons

even at the farm show it came that way with a paper cup and plastic saucer and spoon.

Sugar filled large latte are no where to be seen, but you can get cappuccino

In Wels, Austria the lamp posts are chandeliers.
These are my people!

Smoking is common place and happens inside the restaurants, right outside the doors of places and there are cigarette vending machines everywhere.

What there isn't is cigarette butts anywhere!

Swear, the only place we ever saw cigarette butts was in the ashtrays.

Sometimes you just see tractors in the middle of town on a busy street!

Public bathrooms were interesting.
You have to pay to use them.  Prices 0,20 to 0,50 euros is what we experienced.
One had a man sitting in a hallway between the mens and womens rest rooms collecting the money on a plate another at a truck stop gave you a ticket that could be used to purchase coffee in the store.

They were SO clean.
Never did we see paper on the floors or mess of any kind and the stall walls go all the way to the floor.

Truck Stop in Europe.
Be still my heart!

Hotel rooms were interesting.
Twin beds pushed together with separate single down comforters.
No sheets.

No coffee pots in the rooms, but one has nespresso which I thought was terrible.

The room key had to be put into a slot to turn the lights on.

In Wels, Austria we went out to a bar/club.
They play American music and the smoke was so thick I had to quarantine my clothes including my only rain jacket.
Get a farmer off the farm and away from the responsibility of chores and he can get down.
I called it "Farmers Gone Wild" without nakedness though.
Oh the stories the next day had us laughing so hard.

Some things we noticed were:
Everything was tidy.
No garbage anywhere.
Homes had simple yards, but not mess.
Every person is well put together.
No pajamas, sweatpants or messy buns in sight.
I did have 3 Croc sightings...
No one is overweight.
A lot of people walk or ride bikes and they eat real food including lots of bread, noodles and sauce which we call gravy.
This is the food offered in the Hanover airport

No junk cars
We didn't see even one and no bumper stickers.
When you walk by someone and smile at them they don't smile back.
It's odd.
When eating at a restaurant they don't come back to the table to see if you like your meal or need anything else.
If you need something they expect you to ask.
Homes were mostly white and yellow. Cars were mostly black.
I'm not sure why.
At a restaurant our waitress had a tattoo in English
Faith, Hope and Love
#weird

We watched the sunrise above the clouds

and from our tour bus.

It's beautiful anywhere, but my front yard is still my favorite place to watch it.

It was a wonderful very full week and we feel very fortunate that Pottinger invited us giving us an experience we could never imagined.
Next time we will do it different.
We are also so fortunate to have the Grandma's and Papa's so eager to take our babes so we could go.

Cheers to new friends, experiences and for the love of farming.

Blessed Is  Me...

I Am A 4h Mom

We are prepping for the 2016 fair.
All of the pens have been long cleaned.
New lights going up in the barn.
A new pen is being set up.
Our first 4h meeting is today.

This year Fancy Farm Girl is making her fair debut.
Her lamb, Daffy, is off at Farmer Bill's farm with the ram.
We will pick her up in December and are hoping for twins!
One to show and one to breed next year.

The Farm Manager has a list going
He plans to show Missy his breeder goat as well as her offspring in the produce and market classes.
He has two steers picked out that are currently still with their mommas.
They will be headed for the barn in a couple weeks after weening. He isn't sure about showing Molly, his heifer, for a breeder next year.

 Both kids are also working on building their own herds to have 4h animals to sell.

Being a fair mom is rewarding, exhausting, frustrating and worth every second .

My car is always filled with shards of alfalfa, straw and hay; even when it isn't the smell permeates.

It is a sweet smell.

I've mastered the skill of carrying bags full of grain on my shoulder because it seems to always need to be done before The Farmer gets home.

At county fair I am the one with baby wipes and brushes in my arms, poop on my shirt, hair a mess and eyes heavy with bags closed in prayer.

Because I didn't grow up as a fair kid it is all a learning experience for me too.

Shearing goats and lambs.

Figuring out feed amounts.

What to do when they stop eating.
What to do when they're eating too much.

How to properly put on a halter.
The Farm Manager rolls his eyes at me everytime I try because I always do it backwards.

Did you know animal hair has a growth pattern and needs to be brushed a certain way for it to look it's best?

It does.
The Farmer is quite good at teaching kids how to style their cows hair!

They also need haircuts and pedicures.

I believe the 4h program raises the bar for children.
It teaches children how to work hard, be dedicated and care for something.
It isn't easy to feed and water animals twice a day, clean pens, halter break and all the other things pertaining to having animals; especially when they have more than one.
It is also a huge confidence builder!

It isn't easy for parents either.
Our kids are expected to do all this themselves.
The Farmer and Papa Moo help with the steers halter breaking at this point because the cows are quite large even just after weening.
We help out when needed, but the 99% lies on the kids.
They then know that they put in the time to reap the rewards of show times and auction night.
It makes for better showman and people.

Our moments aren't always shining either.
Kids get tired and we get tired.
They don't want to go out and work in the barn with its pouring rain and blowing sideways.
Frustrations sometimes become bigger than our patience can handle.
One of my really shining moments last year was when
The Farm Manager didn't want to exercise his naughty goat.
After numerous requests for him to get down to the barn my patience were thiiiiinnnn
and I yelled
"Get in the *bleeping* barn!"
I shocked him and myself and later had to apologize.
Sometimes I kill it at parenting!

All that aside.
I love 4h and county fair.
I love the week we spend at the fairgrounds even though it leaves me with a fair hangover.
I love the friendships that form and flourish in the barn.
I love the energy in and around the barn.
I love watching the kids support each other.
I love watching the kids become competitors inside the show ring and friends outside.
I love seeing dads swell with pride and eyes well with tears when their boy receives the grand champion handshake and purple ribbon.

I love seeing the comfort, but tough love when their best wasn't quite good enough
I love watching the big kids mentor the little kids.

 

Oh, I also love fair food!
I mean who doesn't love fried batter?

You don't have to live on a farm or know the first thing about animals to be involved in 4h.
If your kids are interested there is always someone to help answer questions and be of support.
If you're kids are interested I highly recommend finding a club to be a part of.

273 days until Clatsop County Fair 2016

Blessed Is Me..

How Popular Are You?

Every morning I get to take The Farm Manager and Fancy Farm Girl to school.

Those 10-20 minute rides sometimes include very though provoking conversation like the one we had a couple weeks ago.

Backstory:

We let our boy sign up for social media.

Instagram

Highly monitored

Rules in place

Ipod gets handed over when we ask no questions asked

Three strikes and you're out. 

This wasn't an easy decision, but I'll be honest I mostly love it.

I love to see life through his eyes.

I love when he posts pictures of his dad with #farmerfriday and the videos he puts together.
His first selfie included a giant pile of unfolded laundry behind him.
#humbling

Then this happened on the way to school..

"MOM! Jameson got 40 hearts on one of his Instagram posts. He's popular!"

"I'm not really popular"

"Yes you are you got 40 hearts!"

 "Whoa, whoa, whoa" I said 

"getting hearts and likes doesn't mean you are popular or not popular"

We then talked about what being popular meant and we made a list of what was 

better

than being 

"popular"

family, being friendly to EVERYONE, unique, loving, healthy, obeying, having fun and being kind

were a few on their list.

We talked about self worth, value, morals, and being good people.

A lot of information on our short ride to school.

This brought me to doing some reading and chatting with friends about social websites and there are far more than I knew about from
Facebook and Instagram
to
tumblr and who knows what else.

There is an app that lets you know if you've been unfriended/followed and rates your popularity.
Guess what it says?
I'm sorta popular; 35% in fact!

Guess how much I care?
Zero!
However, I am almost 40 and have moved far past the desire to be popular.
If you haven't unfriended me on Facebook yet you know I have opinions that aren't always popular and I share them.
I have zero desire to do or not do things just to be popular.
I hope our kids eventually feel the same.

There are so many social media sites I have never heard of until I dove head first into finding them.
Thankfully I have a self professed "nerd" friend and she gave me some tips!

 The worst in my opinion is 

ask.fm

It's horrible, vile and disgusting.

It also has the option of being anonymous.

People can ask you question and then you answer them

Some of the questions I ran across were:
"Who would you bang, kill, have anal sex with"
Boys referring to girls as "peaches" which is a sexual innuendo
"peaches and cream" "proud banana" are others
Urban Dictionary is a whole new world of word meanings!

There is rating of who is hot and who is not.
Requests to "hang out and watch Netflix"
which doesn't mean what you think it means.
Sex!
That is what it means.

There was also a lot of cussing which I know is done for shock value.
It makes them feel cool.

Did you also know girls refer to each other as
"whores"
It's a term of endearment.
Would you call your friends whores in front of your parents even in jest?
Where is the respect for parents and themselves?

To all that I say
What. In. The. F$$$

Where are these kids parents?!!!

Are these accounts not being monitored?

Then I found out about an app that kids are using to hide their social media from their parents.

Looks like a calculator app except it has a percent sign next to it.
Click that icon and it opens up a whole hidden world!

What are we missing here?

HOW are we going to keep up with the change in technology?

HOW are we going to keep our kids from the thinking that their value comes from hearts, likes and who gives you a good rate?

 HOW am I going to keep from choking kids out who post things about my kid!?
HOW am I going to keep from choking out MY kid for the things they post?!

HOW am I going to help guide my 9 year old that already worries about being
popular, included, excluded, what she should wear and not wear, if she is too chubby, if shes too skinny, too tall too short?
At 9 she already feels the pressure no matter what sort of wise words I share.
HOW do we explain to our boy why some kids wont "follow" him and name call him at fair with their group of "popular" friends but by the end of fair after seeing how well he does want to come to our house?

The rug of our children's childhood is being pulled out from under them via social media and we are in  uncharted waters.
We don't have an older generation of parents to ask advice.
Although, we do have each other.
I give my permission to tattle every single time on my kids when they are doing/posting something online that they shouldn't be.
We have to communicate hard things with our kids like
porn, predators, what is appropriate and inappropriate.
Speaking of predators.. I happened upon some pages that had very personal information.
All for public view!
I know nobody wants to discuss porn with their kids, but lets face it they have it at their fingertips and sometimes happen upon it by accident.
We have to let them know that just because they are watching harmless videos on
youtube that the next suggested video may not be appropriate.
We have to be open to hear from other parents that our kids aren't always the angelic little beings we would like to believe that they are.
We have to be aware that things could be and are happening right under our noses.
We have to find balance in trusting our kids, but also not be played for a fool.
As one of my friends suggests "Education is key. Teach them what is acceptable and not acceptable"

Thank goodness the mistakes we parents made as children weren't held in the permanent record of the internet filled with screen shots and shares!

For the love.. snapchats DON'T always disappear!

I desperately want both my kids to know that their value doesn't come from others opinions of them or how many hearts they got on a post,
that unkind words even when they are typed out can cut like a knife
and that they don't have to follow the masses to be "popular"
I want them to know that the heart they have is meant to be shared with others overflowing with love and kindness.
I want them to be a kinder more gentle person than I ever was.
I want them to know that even when they think I am being the
"MEANEST MOM EVER"
that I am doing it because
I love them more than they will ever know.

Blessed is me...