For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom. I had the perfect family planned out in my head. I would have a husband who would love me to no end, then a son, then a daughter. We would be the perfect family. It didn't work out as I had planned so perfectly.
I did have the husband. He loved me and I loved him. Things were not always easy. There was fighting, crying, and controlling. I got pregnant. I was elated. FINALLY in my early 20's I would be mom. The best mom. At 15 weeks I would have a triple marker screen to test for Trisomy 18, Down Syndrome and other chromosome abnormalities. I knew I would pass the test with no trouble. I had never smoked, done drugs, or drank much. Then I got the phone call. My baby MAY have Trisomy 18. I cried... A lot. What did I do to make this happen? Why me? What will people say?
I was scheduled for genetic counseling and a 3D ultrasound. When we got to the hospital our counselor indicated that the u/s tech would be very quiet and would be taking a lot of measurements. The u/s was amazing. I could see my baby dancing around in my belly. I almost forgot why we were there. The tech was very quiet just the clicking of the mouse made noise. She finished, said I could go to the bathroom and excused herself saying she would be right back. She soon came back with a doctor who looked over the printed pictures.
He told us that from the pictures our baby had Trisomy 18. Clenched fists and club feet were present in the u/s. We would need an amnio to be sure. I was crushed. An amnio is a weird thing to experience. I could feel the needle poke me twice. I cried all the way home.
Fast forward 10 or so days. Amnio confirmed that our baby did indeed have Trisomy 18. (for more info on what that is
www.trisomy18.org). We had 2 days to decide if we would continue on with the pregnancy or abort. If we chose to continue our baby wouldn't likely live to 1 year of age if it was even born alive. If we chose to abort it needed to be done within days. We chose to abort.
I would have to have the procedure at the Lovejoy clinic because my insurance would only pay for it there. It was the worst day of my life. We drove through a black gate and were ushered inside. The receptionist sat behind bullet proof glass. I remember a kid going up and asking how long his girlfriend would be cause he "didn't have all day". I didn't want to be there. A nurse came out and called my name. I had to alone.. no husbands allowed. She asked me a bunch of questions told me to change in the bathroom and to get on a gurney. A man came over, he seemed huge and explained that due to the size of my baby I would be completely put under. He prayed. I woke up to a woman SCREAMING a lot! I asked for someone to get my husband but they couldn't. I got dressed. We left. I cried. I would have been the best mom.
Fast forward. My already failing marriage failed. We got divorced. I moved on, but carried a huge unknown burden. Tears would come at the most inappropriate times. The day my nephew was born was the worst. I cried all day even leaving work to go lay on my moms sofa. I didn't cry because she was having a baby, but because I didn't get to. It was horrible and I felt so selfish. I would see families and wonder if I would ever get that. I got pregnant again! Jeremy and I weren't yet married, but I didn't care. Here was my chance to be the best mom! I miscarried. More crying.
Jeremy and I got married. It was a beautiful day. He loves me everyday even when he doesn't like me so much (I can be a pain. Surprised?). He is a treasure who can wipe all my cares away with one hug.
Fast forward to about 5 years ago. I started going to church at Coastline. We learn a lot about love, grace, and forgiveness. One Sunday Pastor Michael was teaching on forgiveness and how sometimes we need to forgive ourselves because God already has. He showed this video
99 balloons. How did he know? I felt alone in the church even though I was surrounded by people. It was surreal. I was crying. Michael didn't know, but God did. He knew that I was carrying around shame, sadness, guilt, fear, and all sorts of other junk. He knew that I didn't want to cry about it anymore. He knew I needed to be there that very minute. When church ended I rushed to my car so no one would see me cry. I prayed that God would forgive me and that I would forgive myself. As I pulled out of the parking lot all the guilt, shame, sadness, and grief left and I felt it! I was forgiven.
I now have all I ever dreamed of. I have a husband who LOVES me, I have a son and daughter. I don't always get it right, some days I struggle, and sometimes I yell at my kids. I am the best mom.. for my kids.
Blessed is me..
